bachelorette

because my husband loves me, i have convinced him to get on the bachelor/bachelorette wagon with me.  We don’t nessicialry support the show, but we consider it fine entertainment.  Matthew put together a bracket, filled out by particpaants at the first show, so that each week constestants gain points based on who Ashley gives roses too.  I enjoy watching it with him, but more than that I enjoy the weekly updates he sends out each week re-capping the show.  Here is the email from week four and week five.  my husband is hilarious.

Week four RECAP

“I’m dumbfounded by how awesome she is.”– AmesBefore we begin talking about how Ames obliterated the unintentional comedy scale in last night’s episode, how about a standings update?  Cara continues her death grip on first place.  She now has a 64-point lead over Kelly, who overtook Leslie for second place last night.  Myself and Casey round out the top five.  At this point in last season’s Bachelor contest, Cara started tanking, (after dominating the Bachelor for the first few weeks, her steady decline to an 11th-place finish began in the fourth episode).  Its not looking like she’s set to repeat that performance in this season of the Bachelorette, though.  We all need to start rooting hard for Lucas, Mickey and Constantine to be sent home if any of us hope to catch her.  Seriously.  Send those dorks home, Ashley.

Back to Ames.  He delivered a tour de force of hyperbole and shiny white teeth last night.  I could not have been more pleased by his performance.  Before his one-on-one kayaking adventure with Ashley, we had to endure a painfully boring one-on-one date with Constantine (how is he still here?) and a group date where everyone pretended to be humanitarians as Ashley pranced around in booty shorts and a twisty-tied shirt.  I’m not a smart man, but I’m smart enough to recognize its a bad sign when eight of the nine guys on the group date paid more attention to their wall-painting efforts than Ashley’s overt flirtations.  Ah oh.  The group date did provide us with a few gems.  We discovered Ben F definitely does not have a job as a mural painter should his winery fail.  Also, JP’s indignation over people besides him having kissed Ashley makes me think he’s the dark-horse candidate to pull the most overblown jealous tirade this season.  I’m hopeful.  In addition, we learned Blake hates happy people and Ryan P can be bossy.

Ames!  When he finally got his chance to shine he delivered.  In a big way.  As the date began, he revealed he was a world traveler who had been to Thailand “several times” before.  Then he unleashed a series of brilliant quotes delivered in the following order (yes, I admit I paused the show in order to transcribe them…you’re welcome):

• “Last minute is the best minute.”
• “Love is always unchartered territory…and so it is with Ashley.”
• “Navigating these beautiful caves is exactly like navigating a relationship.  Around every corner, you really don’t know what to expect, but often there’s something beautiful.”
• “I’ve been to 70 countries, and this may be the most dramatic thing I’ve ever seen.”
• “She looks beautiful in all circumstances.  Rain or shine.  Day or night.  At sea or on land.”
• “Because when you know, you know.  You can act quickly.  But I don’t know.  Some things are beyond our control.”
• “Indeed.”
• “Ashley and I did not kiss tonight.  But we did something much more intimate than kiss.  We talked about very serious things.”
  

Obviously, we need more Ames in all our lives.  We’ll all be crushed when he finally gets sent home.  Its true and you know it.As always, good luck to all next week…

And here is the update from this week, Week 5

For me, week 5 of the 2011 Bachelorette season was a total calamity.  My chance at a championship (and probably several of yours) took a fiery nose-dive into a ravine.  I managed to lose my 1st- (Ben C), 2nd- (William) and 4th-ranked (Nick) picks in one non-rosy fell swoop.  On the end of the spectrum furthest away from my ineptitude, however, was Cara Jo Duren.  I’m too lazy to go check and see if this has happened before, but this week, Cara managed a PERFECT score.  She correctly picked the top-8 bachelors.  172 points.  Codi Bennett bagged the second-highest total of the week with a 142, picking five of the top eight correctly.  Cara increased her overall lead to 95 points this week.  Yowza.  Kelly Whitehorn, Leslie Benson, Katy Barber and Casey Burke now round out our top five.Last night’s episode was a classic ABC bait-and-switch where we expected to witness Bentley’s return, only we were given more of Ashley pouting that she has to travel to exotic places all over the world on the back of an elephant without him.  She ended up saying his name between five and 2,106 times (all numbers approximate) last night.  It was kind of pathetic.  But we, the viewers, held in there because we knew we’d be rewarded with a superbly awkward reunion at the show’s end.  And then the rose ceremony happened, the show ended and ABC showed us the same scene they gave us last week where Ashley walks dramatically down a hallway to Bentley’s hotel room.  Tricked again.  The lesson as always: there’s a difference between the phrases “coming up on the Bachelorette” and “next week on the Bachelorette.”  We will be fooled by ABC’s treachery no more.

Even without Bentley, week 5 had some sweet highlights.  It began with a ridiculous “mental kiss” between Ben F and Ashley in front of an elephant temple.  Apparently, kissing for real in front of the rock elephants would cause them to come alive and maul you to death with their tusks.  Rock elephants hate nothing more than public displays of affection.  Ben F then proceeded to put on his white pirate shirt and lie to Ashley about how he’d forever dedicate his life to making her wine and spoiling her silly if she chose to give him the final rose.  His over-promising worked.  William should’ve borrowed Ben F’s strategy.  Instead, he made the patented mistake of being the token tattletale of the group, sealing both his and Ben C’s departure.

The group date was again the highlight of this week’s show.  Muay-Thai boxing.  While several of the guys claimed prowess based on previous fighting histories, poor Ames (I will call him Gentleman Ames from here on out) knew he was headed for imminent danger.  As the other guys worked on Muay-Thai techniques, Gentleman Ames worked on learning his trainer’s life story.  He then delivered this trio of memorable quotes:

• “I’m generally a little more reserved, so I might have to come out of my shell and kick some #$%!”
• “If it makes Ashley remember me, so much the better.”
• “I’ve never been in a fight in my entire life.  My take on physical violence is that there’s pretty much always another way.”
  

After the Gentleman was mowed down by Ryan P and sent to the hospital, I feared we’d seen the last of him.  He then triumphantly reappeared Willis Reed-style at the group-date-cocktail party sporting a crisp pair of khakis and a spiffy blue blazer.  He then uttered my favorite Bachelorette quote to date.  When Ashley asked him what the doctor’s diagnosis was, he said, “I was told that I’m totally in love…and that I have a mild concussion.”Stay tuned for more Gentleman Ames next week…and the return of Bentley.mdC

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